Realising I Am Neurodivergent

How my ADHD presents

I went over 30 years without being diagnosed as neurodivergent, because I didn’t realise things that I did, or struggled with, were symptoms. Like hundreds of women, I started seeing Tiktok videos during lockdown sharing the ADHD experience, and began to click that I was perhaps undiagnosed.

In the UK, 50-75% of women with ADHD are undiagnosed. That is a shocking statistic! Furthermore, most women don’t get a diagnosis until their 30s or 40s, with most of their childhood symptoms being missed by professionals because they present differently to boys, who the official studies were based on. When I received my diagnosis, I felt a weight off my shoulders. Because if it wasn’t neurodivergence, then what was wrong with me? Why was everything such a struggle? Why was I so weird and lazy and unable to cope with everyday norms?

So, here are some of the ways my ADHD presents. Hopefully if you’re wondering about yourself or considering trying to get an assessment, and see several instances here that you relate to, it’ll give you a push. To highlight as well, Autism and ADHD affect the same parts of the brain, and there is a lot of overlap in symptoms. I am not autistic, but a lot of my symptoms are common in people with autism. You can be both autistic and ADHD, which is an AUDHD diagnosis.

(Please remember though - everyone neurodivergent is on a spectrum, and some people present very differently to others. These are just my personal experiences, you may have ADHD and present totally differently to me! For clarity, I was diagnosed with combination type ADHD, but there is also hyperactive and inattentive types.)

CHILDHOOD

These are all things I did from toddler up to about age 12, which are all considered signs of ADHD (in context).

1. Climbing. I climbed everything. Furniture, trees, fences, anything.

2. Patterns. I would line up objects and toys in lines frequently.

3. Gifted. I was in the Gifted and Talented programmes for two subjects several years in a row, because the topics engaged my interests.

4. Short span interests. I once taught myself to play Eiunaudi on piano despite not being able to read music, and once I had it memorised, never played again. Age nine I also decided I was going to ‘study the jungle’ and copied an entire text book about safari animals into a notebook by hand.

5. Entrepreneurial. I was constantly telling my parents about business ideas I’d had, and trying to launch them myself. This included several lemonade stands, and a family newsletter. Later, I taught myself to code and became obsessed with Neopets and creating websites.

6. School struggles. My school reports all read classic signs of inattentive and distracted behaviour. ‘Daydreaming, chatterbox, not applying herself properly, inconsistent homework, easily misled by peers,’ etc etc. I also struggled working in groups because I would constantly talk over everybody and get frustrated when everyone else was taking ‘too long’ to grasp concepts, trying to bulldoze my way through tasks.

7. Stimulation Overload. Certain feelings made me feel sick, because of sensory sensitivity. I didn’t own jeans until I was 16 because I hated the rough feeling of denim. Don’t get me started on beaches - I would make my dad carry me across and place me on a pristine towel and God fucking forbid a grain of sand get onto my skin. To this day, I will never ever wear flip flops. The feeling of anything between my toes makes me gag. These were visceral discomforts, not just preferences.

ADULT

1. Sleep. I struggle with excessive exhaustion. As soon as I am understimulated, my brain and body become unbearably tired, as though my brain is trying to just switch off entirely. I have fallen asleep in several inappropriate places or become overcome with a need to nap when the environment or conversation becomes too boring for me. This can be anywhere from an office meeting through to having drinks in a bar with my husband. The only resolution is to remove myself from the situation and into somewhere more mentally stimulating to wake myself back up. This is called Intrusive Sleep, is a common symptom, and is basically my nervous system sending my body to sleep because my brain is so bored or underchallenged.

2. Hyperfocus. If I AM interested in something, it’s highly likely I will become obssessed with it or hyperfixate. This can be great - I can write entire novels extremely quickly because it’s all my brain can think about until it’s all on paper. However, it can also lead to forgetting to eat, go to the toilet, and general poor self-care until the task is finished. I have two types of hyperfixations:

   Long-term projects, like writing a novel or my journaling hobby, where it’s something I am constantly thinking about in the background and do excessively whenever I have free time - very quickly and successfully. Or;

   Short-term projects; for example, a jigsaw puzzle, or a new website idea where I will sit for seven hours without moving as a one-off and am almost physically unable to stop until the task is done.

3. Challenges. I am CONSTANTLY looking to challenge my brain, and have done a multitude of short-courses, degrees, online classes and started new hobbies to fulfil the need to learn. I will do these until I reach a decent enough standard to consider it accomplished, then stop and forget about it entirely. I have about eight domain names for websites I’ve purchased and built and then forgotten about, Google emailing me to remind me they are expiring every now and again. I have a cupboard full to the brim of craft materials, everything from resin moulds and clay kits through to crochet sets, stick-n-poke tattoo kits, and painting canvases. I do not believe there is any craft that I have not tried at least once. On that note:

4. Money. I am not good with money, and often buy stupid little ‘cute’ things to give me a hit of dopamine. Luckily, my go-to impulse spends for dopamine tend to be stickers or stuffed animals, cheap silly things versus expensive clothing or makeup etc, but it all adds up and the dopamine hit disappears as soon as the item arrives and then I usually forget about it. Annnnd on the topic of stuffed animals:

5. Sensory issues. I LOVE stuffed animals, am pretty fixated on certain brands. Not just because they’re cute and give me dopamine to look at, but because certain plushies give me extremely high sensory satisfaction and just feel amazing and calming to hold/stroke. On the other side of things, I get very overwhlmed in any situation where I am met with two or more ‘extremes’. For example, extreme loudness, extreme busy-ness, extreme smells, extreme heat, bright lights, etc. I don’t do well at markets or street fairs. I sometimes can’t bear physical touch, either.

6. Fidgeting. I fidget in ways that I don’t think people notice so readily. At home, my foot is constantly on a spring, with shaky-leg syndrome particularly bad in bed. In public, I’ll play with my jewellery, my hair, chew my nails, pick at skin, sit in weird positions where my feet can rub against each other, play with things around me on tables, etc etc.

7. Masking. I mask so much I don’t realise I’m doing it, and can’t stop myself when I do notice. The most embarrassing form of masking that I am unable to stop is when I am in a group with a certain accent, my body just picks up and tries to emulate it. So when I’m with my Scottish family, my accent becomes Scottish-tinged and even though I hear it and try to revert, my brain won’t let me. I also spend a lot of time repeating things in my head so I don’t forget to mention them because I’m conscious about interrupting people, and often have to say, ‘sorry I have like three stories related to this can I share them quickly now?’ I’m not trying to bring it back to me, I’m trying to show the person speaking that I understand and empathise with their situation by sharing my own experience to mirror theirs. I also often force myself not to say things my brain wants to, because I feel that the person I’m with may find it weird or inappropriate. Oversharing is something I frequently do, and am utterly incapable of knowing when I am crossing into inappropriate territory.

8. Routines. I don’t forget things because I have an insane paper system of cataloguing meetings which is ridiculous to normal people but the only way that works for me. I also need everything to be in the ‘correct place’. If I put my keys down anywhere other than their ‘place’, they will be lost forever. Same with my phone, cards, and medications. I will never book more than one appointment a day, because regardless of what time the appointment is I must sit at home and ‘wait’ for it to come. Otherwise I will forget about it, or be late.

9. Impulsivity. I often, when high on dopamine, impulsively book things, plan things, buy things, etc, and later regret it when I’m back on a lower dopamine state. This can be anything from getting a tattoo when I walk past a walk-in studio through to booking a holiday when I’ve had some drinks because I think I deserve it. Don’t get me started on hair dye or cutting in fringes.

10. Fast. Everything I do is FAST. I walk fast, I pee fast, I shower fast, I drive fast, I brush my teeth fast, I listen to voice notes and watch videos at x2 speed always, because I don’t have the time to waste on boring chores. I talk fast, I think fast, and I often have to bite my tongue to stop myself from finishing people’s sentences when I want them to just get to the point. And yes, I poop fast. If you say you have to go, you have to go. If you go and sit for ten minutes pushing, you’re not ready to go.

11. Drop down menus. I heard a girl refer to tasks as drop-downs, and it’s so true. ‘Chores’ i.e things I don’t do for fun but have to do, like showering, is not a single task. If I need to shower, it’s broken down into several stages - a drop down menu. Get up, get undressed, put clothes in washbag, get in shower, wash hair, find clean towel, etc etc. At the end of it I also know I’ll probably be cold, making me want to do it even less because they pay-off isn’t worth the long list in my head of things I have to do to accomplish the main task. Every task in my life has a drop-down of subtasks, and it makes everything feel harder to do than it needs to.

12. Not Lazy. On this note - if a task is not motivated enough by reward, I will avoid doing it. I always get called lazy because I can’t be assed going to the shop for milk, but my brain says that the 5 minute walk has too many drop-down tasks involved (putting shoes on, finding bag and purse, etc etc) and the amount of drop-down tasks make the reward of the trip (the milk) not worth it, so I won’t do it.

13. Avoidant. On this note, I avoid doing anything I don’t want to, even if I know it will take 30 seconds. I will avoid calling the doctor, opening any letters (in case they are bills or something which requires further action from me), avoid reading texts, etc etc. Anything which I think may lead to a secondary task, I will avoid.

14. Task Paralysis. If I have too many ‘tasks’ (having a shower is a task for me, as already discussed) my brain gets overwhelmed with how many things I have to (or want to!) do at once, and instead I lie down in bed exhausted and doom scrolling and doing nothing because I can’t make the executive decision for what to do. I know how to prioritise logically, but my body doesn’t want to carry out the prioritised tasks unless it’s under extreme pressure to do so.

15. Yapping. I call myself an introverted extrovert. I don’t really enjoy being around people and due to masking find it incredibly draining, but when I am, I’m loud and just love to yap. If I’m out drinking, I’m always the one who disappears and ends up with a group of strangers at the bar or some girl in the toilet exchanging all my life traumas and feeding off the dopamine of learning something new about a new person. On a similar note - I find it hard to stop drinking on a night out because that dopamine is just so good. I’m never the one to call it a night, but if everyone else does, I’m secretly relieved.

16. Impatient. I will not wait in a queue, traffic makes me want to have a meltdown, I wait for nobody and no one. If I decide I want to do something, it means RIGHT. NOW. I decide the bedroom must be painted, so I will immediately go out, get the paint, and paint it before the urge is gone. Everything now, now, now.

LITTLE THINGS

1. Comfort. I will rewatch the same films and listen to the same songs again and again and again and again and this is neurodivergent behaviour. It brings me comfort.

2. Walking. I can’t just walk. Best believe I will be ripping any leaves off trees which I pass and then shredding them up for no reason and scattering them everywhere. Don’t even get me started on acorns and conkers.

3. Stuck in my head. There are weird things that are stuck in my head forever and always. The lyrics to the Baby Wee Wee tv advert from the 90s, for example. Quotes from extremely niche viral videos that nobody else knows, which slip out in my everyday life and make me look weird. I don’t know why my brain stores this info, it just does.

4. Nocturnal. I am a night time girlie. I hate mornings, my brain doesn’t wake up until about 2pm, and I rarely work well before then. This was very hard in a 9-5 when I spent half the day with mushy peas for thoughts, feeling drowsy and discombobulated.

5. Curious, always. If I am interested in something, I want to know all about it. If I watch a film I liked, I will immediately watch the trailer to see how it was marketed, read the critic reviews, search for director inspiration and fanart. The same goes for books, tv shows, even people I meet. If I meet someone interesting, I want to pick them apart and understand everything about them, like a science experiment. Maybe this is what makes me a good writer.

6. Zoning out. My husband calls me ‘space cadet’ because he says I’ve ‘drifted off elsewhere.’ Sometimes my eyes glaze over and I almost sit frozen, staring at nothing. I’m not sure what’s going on, I like to think of it as a factory reset, where someone is switching my brain off and then on again and I come back after a moment.

7. Existential Crisis. I sometimes have breakdowns at the mundanity of life, and think ‘this can’t be all there is?!’ even though realistically I am perfectly happy with my life. The thought of no change is very stressful though.

8. No Risk Radar. I do the dumbest most dangerous stuff, too many close-calls to count, particularly when I’m out drinking, because my impulses and curiosity are too much and my brain is never able to stop, assess the risks, and decide to not do The Thing.

9. Burnout. I cannot do more than a couple of social things per week. I find it too draining, particularly if it’s around people I will mask with. I can’t stop masking, it just happens, and this is exhausting afterwards.

10. Neurospicy Crew. All of my closest friends are neurodivergent. I’m drawn to them like a moth to a flame. At a party, I immediately can tell who is likely ND and gravitate towards them. Like calls to like. I have the best time with them, I don’t need to mask, I don’t need to rethink if things were taken the wrong way or if I was too loud, we share our current special interests with gusto and no judgement, we understand when we are burnt out, and it’s just the most safe relationship ever.

11. Names. If you tell me your name, no you didn’t. I will not remember your name, and probably your face either, until third meeting and I’m sorry.

12. Poor eye contact. I can’t hold eye contact. It’s uncomfortable and I just can’t do it, I can’t focus on just you visually and be expected to still listen to what you’re saying as well.

13. Caffeine Calmness. Caffeine does not wake me up. I can have four coffees and sleep straight away. This is because we are naturally low on dopamine, and caffeine increases dopamine, levelling us out into a neutral, calm state versus neurotypical people with normal dopamine levels who are over-stimulated after having caffeine.

14. Jittery. I was horribly embarassed when I saw a candid video of me and realised I move jerkily, like Elon Musk or a Sim. What the hell was this about?! I asked my husband, who said I always moved like that. He referred to my movements as ‘a bad videogame stream.’ I think that my mind is moving so fast that my facial expressions and physical movements can’t keep up, so I end up moving strangely. Would love to fix this if I could, as I am now embarrassed about how I’ve been moving for 30 years.

There are probably a bunch more but let’s be honest, you probably haven’t reached the end of this article. ‘Too long, didn’t read’ - another common ADHD feeling.

As a reward if you have made it this far, I HIGHLY recommend the audiobook ADHD for Smart Ass Women by Tracy Otsuka, which highlights our unique strengths rather than struggles, and shares tips on how to utilise these neurodivergent superpowers we have been gifted to maximise our potential!

Love, C x